5 Fun Facts About My Job As A Stay At Home Mom

#1   I often find miscellaneous objects in the toilet.

That list includes:

• Mr. Potato Head pieces
• Ponytail holders
• 1970's small, square tile pieces picked out of my bathroom floor
• Socks and . . . 
• a Barbie doll head. 

I have become a master at using the plunger and I'm amazed we have not had to have a real professional come in and fix any serious damage. I'm adding plumber to my resume.

#2   I swear under my breath a minimum of 10 times a day.

Remember I said a minimum. My swear phrase of choice is "Are you f@*%ing kidding me?".  Example: I have very picky eaters and the other night my husband gave my kids an option for dinner, steak on the grill or pick up food from a local wing joint. My kids won't touch chicken but they like the ribs that they have there. "RIBS, RIBS" was the answer. I packed up my oldest and we went to get the food. While I was paying, she had a minor fit about not being able to eat the ribs at the restaurant. As I'm struggling to carry the food out and trying to keep her minor fit from turning into a major 2 yr. old temper tantrum, I'm thinking to myself this is a definite "Are you  f@*%ing kidding me?" moment. Luckily I was able to bribe her saying "If we go home and you eat your dinner, you can have a popsicle for desert." That solved that . . . for the moment. Of course when we got home and the ribs were in front of her she pushed them away saying "I DON'T LIKE RIBS!". . . "Are you F@*%ING  kidding me?" (under my breath of course). No popsicle that night! Which leads me to #3 . . .

#3   I bribe my kids.

You may or may not agree with this tactic but it usually works for me. Example: "If you help me sort through the laundry and find all the matching socks, I'll get out your easel and paints when we are done." This is a win win for all. I hate matching socks and who doesn't love a good art activity? The other day my oldest helped me dust, vacuum and unload the dishwasher. She was rewarded with a 1/2 hr of time on the iPad which she used by playing a educational alphabet game. If the truth be told, I wouldn't have had to bribe her. They both love helping out.

#4   I can't tell you the last time I bought myself something.

I don't have a job that rolls in the dough so therefore we don't have the extra funds to buy non-essential things. Things like those Coach shoes I saw in Marshall's the other day (regularly $160 but selling for $80). What a deal! But seriously, where would I wear them? To the playground with my yoga pants?

#5   I am on the clock 24/7, like all moms.

I deal with temper tantrums, dirty looks, picky eaters, non-nappers and screamers. I get the biggest hugs, smiles and laughs. I never know what the day is going to bring but I would not trade my job for anything.

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My Job as Referee

Having my kids fairly close together has certainly had it's perks. With Lanie being 2.9 and Charlotte being 16 months, a mere 16 1/2 months separates them. They laugh together, play together, read books together . . . they are best friends . . . and sometimes worst enemies.


DING DING DING

Round 1: While playing a game of run around the kitchen island my youngest slips causing the rug underneath the kitchen sink to slide out of place. My oldest yells "OH NO, you tell that rug you are sorry! You hurt it. That makes me and the rug very sad." My youngest can sense her harsh tone and glares at her while I try to explain to Lanie that it's just a rug and it's really okay. I say "instead of worrying about the rug let's make sure Charlotte is okay". I probably should have been more focused on teaching them not to run in the house, but who am I kidding . . . I'm no Carol Brady. "Mom always said don't play ball in the house" as Marcia gets hit in the face with a football. It's been a long winter so in my opinion occasional laps around the kitchen island and balls in the house are fine by me . . . well, as long as they are nerf balls.

DING DING DING

Round 2: My oldest is fuming that my youngest will not say sorry to the rug. She grabs some plastic silverware out of her play kitchen and proceeds to bang on Charlotte's head saying "If you don't say sorry I'm going to turn your head into a drum. Look Mommy, Charlotte's head is a bass drum!" I yell out "LANIE, NO. Now you need to say sorry to Charlotte. Banging on peoples heads with silverware is not okay." Before I could get over there and grab the plastic spoons from her hands my youngest grabs her by the knees and over she goes. I'm not sure where this behavior came from, but trust me when I say I want to be raising young ladies, NOT WWF wrestlers. 

While I question how Lanie even knows what a bass drum is and how Charlotte learned the armbar legsweep, I get their activity table out along with some paper and stickers. It was clear to me that they really needed some time to sit down and relax. The stickers were such a big hit that when we ran out I was just as disappointed as they were. During my unsuccessful attempt to find more I had the bright idea of using band-aids . . . they stick, right? So I gave them each two band-aids and said "after we stick these, that's it". I figured that the process of unwrapping them would buy me a bit of time.

DING DING DING

Round 3: My oldest unwrapped her band-aids quickly and stuck them on her paper. My youngest chose not to open hers at all and was content just holding them. That did not bode well with my oldest. She could not understand why Charlotte did not want to open her band-aids and attempted to "help her" by grabbing them away. And there they go . . . the screams. The screeches from both of them that are just SO loud. (For those that have read my previous blogs you may remember they had gotten the label of "The Screeching Sisters" at the play place.) The screeches then turned into laughs and I had a instant headache. As quickly as they were worst enemies they were BFF's all over again.

Arguments about saying sorry to rugs, plastic spoons, and band-aids are probably pretty minor in the big picture. Someday I'll most likely be breaking up fights over using the phone, clothes and stealing boyfriends . . . I can only imagine what those screams are going to sound like.

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Ice Cream, Music and Sunshine Turned My Week Around

Confession: the past few days had me down and out. I was honestly starting to feel like a worn out hermit trying to entertain my sick kids indoors. Just as Lanie started to feel better, Charlotte got sick. In between their sicknesses we had a day that I thought everyone was feeling good and up to going out. I had been craving The Outback for as long as I can remember and a new one just opened up close by. Dan and I packed up the kids and decided to go. They like to go out, and often times dinner out is a nice treat for all of us. It was a long wait, especially for that 4:30-5pm time slot where you usually find parents, small kids and senior citizens taking advantages of the early bird specials. The food was average and my kids were not exactly acting like role model toddlers while we were there. 

While waiting to be seated a man tried to interact with Charlotte by smiling and waving. She glared at him. Actually, she gave him full blown dirty looks. (The dirty looks that I often see these days because she is more of a "Daddy's Girl" at the moment.) While Charlotte sat on Dan's lap giving the majority of the crowd the evil eye, I spent the 1/2 hr. wait trying my best to distract Lanie. She was trying to pour the complimentary pitcher of water into the glasses the entire time. We finally got seated in a large booth and it seemed perfect until we realized it had a large metal pole supporting the end of the over-sized table. Charlotte decided to use the pole as a base to push her high chair as far away from the table as possible. Dan and I had to place our feet on either side of the highchair to prevent her from causing a disaster in the middle of the busy restaurant. While all of this was going on Lanie was sitting next to me. I spent most of my time encouraging her to color on her place mat and not on the table, or telling her to keep her unwanted semi-chewed food  on her plate and not on mine. Needless to say, this was not exactly the dining experience I was hoping for.

The next few days seemed to go in the same direction . . . stressful. Charlotte woke up one morning with a bloody nose. Her crib looked like a murder scene and her face was covered in blood. Cleaning her up was not an easy task. She hates having her nose wiped in general so me coming at her with a full box of tissues was pretty traumatizing for both of us. Of course Lanie woke up in the midst of all the screaming. I felt like I was running around in 12 different directions trying to make everyone happy. All I wanted to do was stop Charlotte's nose from bleeding, get her favorite blanket and lovies in the wash ready for nap time and give her a bath. A difficult task as I needed to calm Lanie down over the site of all the blood. She was frantically yelling at the top of her lungs that the blood was making her sick and she was going to throw up. She went as far as pretending to dry heave, I quickly realized she was faking. Attention seeking at it's finest! Thankfully a quick hug solved that problem and the threat of getting sick stopped. 

The girls are getting pretty good at competing for attention these days. They both seem to be going through a phase right now. Lanie prefers my help with things and Charlotte prefers Dan. Lanie will often insist that I take her to the potty, brush her teeth, hold her hand, lift her up to the table, or put her in her car seat while Charlotte pretty much prefers Dan, exclusively . . . for everything. The other morning I heard Charlotte get up and start yelling from her crib. "DA DA, DA DA, DA DA". I went to her door and opened it. It was still dark so she couldn't see who it was, but she was excited that someone was there to scoop her up so she could start her day. As soon as I turned on the light and she saw me standing there she started yelling "NO NO NO" and threw herself down into her pile of blankets. Pure drama. I must say I actually found it pretty funny and it doesn't bother me. Lanie did the same thing at Charlotte's age. 

I am guessing that Charlotte was in her glory to have Dan home with her all day Monday while I went to a Dr.'s appointment and then spent the night cleaning an office building. Honestly, a trip to the Dr.'s and cleaning toilets seemed like a mini vacation. At my Dr.'s appointment the question of having more kids came up. Definitely the wrong week for that question! My quick response to her was "No, I'm too old." At that very moment I felt stressed, tired and far older than my 36 years. She laughed and assured me that if, in a couple years time, I changed my mind she did not think I was "too old". . . We'll see.

It's amazing what a little sunshine can do for the spirit. Today we were able to get out and enjoy the sunny day! It was so good to have everyone feeling better. We argued over which songs to listen to in the car. We have an agreement, I can't listen to Pink Floyd because Lanie doesn't like it and Lanie can't listen to Nicki Minaj because I think she looks like Mrs. Potato Head and I don't like her. Charlotte is pretty agreeable to whatever is on and will often sing and dance from her car seat to anything. She's got some killer dance moves even when she's confined. Her latest favorite is a song called "Thrift Shop" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. Charlotte has a stellar dance routine to this song and has truly mastered the art of head bobbing. She was overjoyed when it came on in the car. We had fun, we laughed and enjoyed our morning out. 

I'm well aware that everyday is not going to be puppies and rainbows, but I'm certainly appreciative of the ones that are. And for the ones that aren't . . . there's always ice cream. (A special thanks to my husband who sensed it may be a good week to get me a sundae.)

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Kitchen Adventures and Other Indoor Activities

I have no fun tales of our adventures out and about this week because my oldest is sick. We have been laying low and trying to make the best of our indoor time. I'm not sure where she picked up her cold/fever. Pushing elevator buttons at the mall? Riding in the car carriage at the grocery store? Attempting to eat the dough that you play with at Bertucci’s? Or maybe it was from the kid hacking up a lung all over the slide at the play place. Who knows where she got it, but I know I'm not doing her or anyone else any favors by spreading the germs around town.

Spending the past couple of days in has not been so bad. We've been stripping the beds and washing anything that can be washed. Strangely enough laundry is a fun activity for my kids. Even though it takes about 3 1/2 hours to gather, wash, dry and fold 1 load of laundry. I try my best to be patient. They love to help and I highly encourage it.

Charlotte loves to help me make her bed in the morning. It's pretty funny to watch her attempt to fold blankets in between games of peek-a-boo. At the moment Lanie is very into helping Dan and I cook. She was kind of disappointed when I discouraged her from helping me make meatballs the other night due to her constant sneezing. Luckily Dan’s quick thinking defused the situation when he sat her up at the other end of the kitchen island with her own mixing bowl and spatula to pretend. That kept her entertained for a bit, then she opted to get down and cook in her own kitchen instead. She has stepped up from cooking the pretend food in her kitchen and has moved on to the real thing. I actually found a piece of real bacon in her play kitchen's frying pan the other day. Thankfully it was just from that morning’s breakfast.

I get such a kick out of watching the girls play. Charlotte will run over to the cabinet that is filled with newborn bibs and insist that I put one on her. She specifically likes the ones that read "I Love Santa" or "Babies first Christmas". (I should probably get rid of these since Christmas is long gone and I no longer have a newborn. She just really likes them. I swear, I am not a bib hoarder, I just have to find someone to pass them down to.) I'm not sure if she thinks these bibs are a smaller version of an apron or if this is some sort of toddler fashion statement. She just loves trotting around and cooking in her kitchen while wearing newborn bibs. Actually, she loves doing pretty much anything in these bibs. I just look at her and laugh . . . then she'll glare back at me. Clearly you do not mess with a girl and her bibs. Fortunately she lets me take them off when we go out in public without much of a struggle.

For the past couple of days I've watched Lanie go over to the kitchen and put a lot of the play food in her pots and pans then yell out what sounds like "HMMM BOOGER". I quickly run over with the box of tissues thinking she needs to wipe her nose and she looks at me like I'm crazy. I finally caught on today, as to what she was saying, when I heard that exact phrase coming from the iPad. She managed to change a setting on one of her matching games to French. HMMM BOOGER = Hamburger! I learn something new everyday, and so does she since I think she has been saying a few other words that I have brushed off as gibberish. For all I know she could be swearing at me in French and I would have no clue. Note to self: Time to set up those parental controls. (I give it a month before she can crack them.)

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